So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
