mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
