your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
