I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
