Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
