People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just gargled with NyQuil
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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