I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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