I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
