Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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