Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
