my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
