20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize