my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
