I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
