neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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