i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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