Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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