Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
