sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize