eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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