omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
