Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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