Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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