I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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