Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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