My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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