Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So much rum. So many feels.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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