I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
