I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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