I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
