Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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