that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
