he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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