My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
