is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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