why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
