The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
