i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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