I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
