she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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