it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
