People in love make me want to vomit
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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