wakey wakey hands off snakey
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
