New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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