I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
