I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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