Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
