There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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