Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
