I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
