if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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