Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
