I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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