Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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