my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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