I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm experimenting with sincerity
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
