I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
