don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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